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Negative Communication of Couples
  • It's amazing, but if you really look closely you'll discover that people are extremely private creatures. For all that we seem to want to boast and have ourselves become acclaimed, we still tend to bottle our truest and deepest feelings inside. And, for what? Most often to protect our helpless hearts from heaps of pain, anger, ridicule, despair or ultimately heartbreak. But, what if keeping our inner selves hidden is what causes the pain to appear in the first place? Have you ever considered that preventing the people close to us from really getting to know us is what's keeping them from giving their all as well?
  • Every person has an inner need to be heard and understood. The people who understand us best are the ones we consider our closest friends, and the type of people we tend to gravitate towards. So, it would make sense that if we took the time to understand our partners and visa versa we could create a relationship of true closeness and intimacy. We wouldn't feel the need to hide our real feelings, or keep our deepest dreams and desires hidden because we would feel safe in the knowledge that our partner would understand.
  • For a lot of couples this may seem like an impossible task. If you've been together for any number of years, and communication is still your number one problem, it is definitely worth the risk to try and create a better verbal environment.
  • To begin on the road to verbal bliss you'll need to check all emotional baggage at the door. It can't be allowed on this trip. What kind of emotional baggage? Well, first you need to strip away any "shoulds or should nots," or other beliefs. These are the statements that you hear cycling in your head when you're partner is doing or saying something such as: "He should know what I mean," "If he really loves me he should understand," or "She should know better than to do that." There aren't any prerequisite behaviors that you or your partner should have, other than a willingness to understand and listen. Everything else is just a made up excuse to get away with not using real communication.
  • Next, you need to reenter the relationship with an open and trusting heart. You need to be able to begin these tasks without harboring negative or hurtful feelings. What has been done is in the past, and this is a step towards creating a new future. If you let the past in, you're only crippling your future.
  • The first step towards improvement is to examine your current communication patterns. Below are a few questions to ask, and share your thoughts with, each other. This should be done without ANY accusations. It is a time for revelation and pattern changes. In fact, you may not want to do all the questions at one time. The best way to complete this "mini-course" is to handle one pattern each week. Below are the first three weeks of this mini-course to get you started. We will be including the next three patterns next week, so be sure to bookmark this page!
  • Remember, this is an exercise for a couple to complete. You can gain benefit doing it on your own, but you won't experience the ultimate reward of true intimacy in the same way as doing this together.
  • Lets see what we can do to make things better in communication in the other section.
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